Dealing with the death of a loved one can impact just about every aspect of your life, including your professional or work life. Many large employers offer bereavement leave in situations like this or have other policies in place. Smaller companies are likely to handle employee bereavement on a case-by-case basis.
Letting your employer know that you’re grieving may be difficult, but it's important to let your manager and colleagues know what's going on, especially if you'll need to take some time off or will need some help handling work projects. (For more on how workplaces can make this conversation easier for everyone involved, read Elayne's Guide to Support Bereaved Employees.)
This guide covers how to notify your employer after a loss, including situations involving an uncle, aunt, or other extended family member, where workplace bereavement policies often provide fewer protections or shorter leave than they do for immediate family. Practical message templates are included so you have a starting point when words are hard to find.
Key Takeaways
- Most U.S. employers don't offer federally mandated bereavement leave, so check your company handbook or HR.
- Request time off in writing and ask about using vacation or sick days if formal leave isn't available.
- Grief affects focus and energy at work; advocate for schedule changes or reduced workload as needed.
Talking to Your Boss
Although it may seem uncomfortable, talking to your employer can actually alleviate stress. If possible, you likely will want to speak to your supervisor personally before taking time off.
If your company offers bereavement leave, you can ask for any information needed and how to take it. Many bereavement policies are outlined in a company handbook or can be provided by HR. Determine how long of a leave your company offers, and whether this absence is paid, unpaid, or partially paid. Here are a few other critical considerations:
| What to Ask | What It Means | What to Do |
|---|---|---|
| How is leave classified? | Some companies offer formal bereavement leave; others ask employees to use vacation or sick days. | Ask HR whether your absence will be coded as bereavement, PTO, or unpaid leave. |
| Am I eligible? | Bereavement leave may be limited to full-time employees. Contractors, part-time staff, or employees on probation may not qualify. | Confirm your employment status and whether it affects your eligibility before making plans. |
| Is documentation required? | Some employers require proof of death, such as a death certificate or funeral home documentation, before approving leave. | Gather a copy of the death certificate or ask the funeral home for an employer letter. |
| How much of the leave is paid? | Leave may be fully paid, partially paid, or unpaid depending on company policy. | Review your employee handbook or ask HR so you can plan your finances accordingly. |
| Do I need to submit a written request? | Many employers require a formal written request even when a verbal conversation has already taken place. | Follow up any phone or in-person conversation with an email to create a clear record. |
How you approach the conversation may depend on your relationship with your manager. If the relationship is informal, a brief text or in-person conversation followed by written confirmation is often enough. In larger companies or more formal environments, a written email routed through HR channels may be expected from the start. Either way, following up any verbal notification in writing protects both parties and creates a clear paper trail for bereavement leave documentation.
Do's and Don'ts When Telling Your Boss
Do:
- Be direct and brief. A few sentences is enough.
- State your relationship to the person who died.
- Specify the dates you'll be out or need adjusted.
- Offer a point of contact or coverage plan for urgent work.
- Follow up in writing after any verbal conversation.
Don't:
- Over-explain or apologize for needing time away.
- Feel obligated to share details that feel too personal or painful.
- Wait too long to notify your manager. Reaching out earlier is easier for everyone.
- Promise availability you won't realistically be able to keep.
Ask Your Employer How Bereavement Leave Is Classified Within the Company
Some employers don’t offer formal leave when grieving but allow employees to use accrued vacation or sick days. Some employers offer to pay some time off, leaving the rest unpaid.
Because the label affects your paycheck and your remaining time off, it helps to ask for the classification in writing. A short email to your manager or HR can cover a few questions:
- Which days will be paid, and which will be unpaid?
- Will any days come out of your vacation or sick balance?
- Can the leave be extended if travel or funeral arrangements take longer than planned?
Once HR replies, save the message with your other leave records. A written answer gives payroll a clear reference and lets you plan your finances around the time you need.
Always submit a formal request in writing.
If you intend on working, let your boss know of any accommodations you may require. Small steps like schedule adjustments or remote work can help with balancing grief and productivity. This may include a reduced workload, remote work, or leaving early to take care of family obligations.
How to Deal with Grief at Work
Grief doesn’t disappear when bereavement leave ends. Dealing with grief at work may require patience and compassion from your employer and colleagues. It also requires that you be kind to yourself.
Inform Your Boss and Colleagues
In the first weeks after losing someone close to you, many people struggle to keep up with their usual pace at work. Share what you’re experiencing with co-workers and management as soon as possible. They can help support you and adjust expectations on the job.
Allow Time for Grief Throughout the Day
Grief is an unpredictable emotion, but carving out specific times to acknowledge it can help. For instance, you might allow yourself 15 minutes three or four times a day to sit with any emotions you're experiencing. After that time, return to your daily routine until the next break.
During these moments, consider stepping outside for fresh air, writing in a journal, or making a brief call to someone close to you. Even a short walk can help release the tension that builds over a long work day. The goal is to give grief a designated space so it feels less likely to catch you off guard at other moments throughout the day.
Plan for Emergency Moments
As much as we'd like to schedule our grief, there are times when it's inescapable. Planning ahead for these moments can make them easier to manage when they arrive.
Before returning to work, identify a quiet space, such as a private office, a less-trafficked hallway, or an outdoor area, where you can step away without drawing attention. It can also help to let one trusted colleague know what you're going through, so they can cover for you if needed. Preparing a short, neutral phrase like "I need a few minutes" gives you an easy way to step out without over-explaining. Scheduling gaps between meetings, or working remotely on days when being in the office feels like too much, can also reduce the pressure of re-entry.
Advocate for Yourself
Working through grief requires adjustments and changes, but you may need to define what that looks like to your employer. Consider how your employer can help you through this transition and approach them with specific recommendations. When you make this kind of request, framing it around your job performance instead of your emotions tends to land better. For example, saying "a lighter meeting load this week will help me meet my deadlines" gives your manager a clear, actionable reason to say yes. Accommodations may include:
- Schedule changes
- Longer deadlines
- Weekends off
- Reduced client meetings
- Increased breaks throughout the day
Common Experiences with Grief
Although grief is an individual experience, most people face a few similar experiences on the job. These experiences may include:
- Feeling sudden bursts of grief, sadness, or anger. These waves of grief come unexpectedly and may interfere with everyday tasks.
- Struggling to keep up at work. Finding that previous responsibilities are more tiresome or take longer to complete is common, especially in the first weeks after returning. Grief affects concentration, short-term memory, and decision-making, which can make once-familiar responsibilities feel harder than usual. Asking for deadline extensions or a lighter workload during this period is a reasonable step, not a sign of weakness.
- Exhaustion or feeling physically ill. Grief can impact your entire body, manifesting in physical symptoms. You may feel exhausted, run-down, or physically ill when grieving. The body processes grief around the clock, often disrupting sleep and leaving people fatigued even after a full night's rest. If physical symptoms are persistent or worsening, speaking with a doctor is a worthwhile step.
- Finding relief at work. A few people are surprised that work offers a distraction from their sadness. Work can keep the mind busy, so it doesn't dwell on the recent loss. If you find that staying busy helps, that is a valid coping approach. Just be mindful that using work as the only outlet can delay processing grief instead of easing it.
Example Letter to Your Boss
When telling your boss you’re grieving, it’s best to be direct. Include a clear subject line and keep the email brief. Here’s an example of a written notice for an employer:
Dear [Manager or HR Representative Name],
I am writing to request bereavement leave, starting on [date starting] and ending on [date ending]. My [family member] passed away on [date of passing]. I would like to take additional vacation time from [date started] until [date of return] [if applicable].
During this time, you can reach me through email or cell phone at [contact information].
Thank you,
[Your Name]
Quick Text or Slack Message Example
Hi [Manager's Name], I wanted to let you know that I had a death in the family and will need to be out for a few days starting [date]. I'll follow up with more details shortly. Thank you for understanding.
Short Email Example (Loss of an Uncle)
Subject: Bereavement Leave Request: [Your Name]
Dear [Manager's Name],
I'm writing to let you know that my uncle passed away, and I'd like to request a few days of bereavement leave from [start date] through [end date]. I'll make sure any urgent work is covered before I'm out and will be reachable by email if anything critical comes up.
[Your Name]
Phone or Voicemail Script
Hi [Manager's Name], this is [Your Name]. I'm calling to let you know I've had a loss in my family and won't be able to come in starting [date]. I'll send a follow-up email with more details, but please feel free to reach me on my cell if you need anything in the meantime.
Follow-Up Message After Returning to Work
Hi [Manager's Name], I'm back today and wanted to check in about re-entry. I may need a bit of flexibility this first week as I get back up to speed. I'm happy to talk through any pending priorities when you have a moment.
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In Conclusion
Struggling with grief is incredibly difficult, and it can greatly affect a person's ability to do their job.
Notifying your employer as soon as possible is the easiest way to help them help you. If you’re unsure what to say, the examples above can be helpful to reference.
Many managers and human resource teams will help grieving employees with transitions and accommodations; you simply need to advocate for yourself and ask. If you're struggling after the death of a loved one, reach out to Elayne. We are experts at helping people manage the many administrative tasks that arise after a loved one dies, so during a difficult time, you can focus on yourself and your friends and family.
FAQ
Is it OK to take time off from work when you're grieving the death of a loved one?
Unfortunately, the United States doesn’t offer a federally mandated bereavement leave policy. Workers aren’t guaranteed time off to grieve a death or attend a funeral. If you require time off to grieve, always contact your employer directly. If the company offers bereavement leave, taking the time off to process your loss is okay and encouraged.
Does a miscarriage qualify a person for bereavement leave?
A miscarriage or stillbirth may qualify under an employer’s bereavement policy (if one is available) or other paid leave policies. If you're not sure, ask your manager or a human resources representative.
How does grief affect someone's work?
Grief impacts everyone differently and fluctuates over time. Feelings of exhaustion, anger, and sadness can be overwhelming. Grief can also impact concentration, patience, and focus. Losing a loved one is an emotional experience, and physical symptoms can present themselves as well. You may notice changes in appetite, sleep, or energy levels that affect how you show up at work. Being open with a trusted colleague or manager about these changes can make re-entry much more manageable.
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